Clemenz With a ”Z” Podcast

EP 163 This Was Supposed to Be the Place #5: From Shame to Something Sacred

What happens when the place that was supposed to offer belonging, love, and healing becomes the very thing that teaches you to be small? In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z", I explore how my time in the ICOC—and the broader evangelical culture I grew up in—shaped the way I saw myself, God, and the meaning of worth. From the story of the Garden to the image of the Cross, I unpack how scripture and church culture taught me that I was broken at my core—and how that belief followed me into every part of my life. But I also talk about what happens when you start to question that story. When you realize it wasn’t God who made you feel that way—it was people. This is an honest reflection on shame, self-erasure, and the journey toward a more freeing, more loving spirituality.
As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And remember: I’m just a channel, I ain’t the source.
If you’d like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 or, you know, grab a sticker or maybe even a tank top (because apparently, every scene has merch)—you can head over to my new website: 👉 www.clemenzwithaz.com
You’ll find ways to support the show, check out new updates, and maybe pick up something to wear that says, “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about some things too.”
Until next time—stay open, keep asking, and keep walking. Peace!

EP 162 A Tale of 2 Concerts: From the Church Stage to the Sticky Floor

n this episode, I share the story of attending two very different concerts in the same week—one a high-energy worship night with Phil Wickham, Kristian Stanfill, and Cody Carnes, the other a gritty, laid-back rock show by Pepper. On the surface, these shows couldn’t have been more different... but as I stood in both spaces, coffee in hand at one and beer in hand at the other, I started noticing some surprising similarities. This episode isn’t about bashing anything—it’s about asking questions, noticing patterns, and exploring where the sacred can actually show up. Because maybe God isn’t just behind the worship curtain—maybe He’s in the pit, too.
If any of this resonated with you, please take a second to like, subscribe, rate, or review the show— it helps more than you know, and it helps others find these conversations too.
If you'd like to connect, you can reach out to me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM at the Clemenz With a "Z" instagram page. 
If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 or
If you’d like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 or, you know, grab a sticker or maybe even a tank top (because apparently, every scene has merch)—you can head over to my new website: 👉 www.clemenzwithaz.com
You’ll find ways to support the show, check out new updates, and maybe pick up something to wear that says, “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about some things too.”
Until next time—take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace.

EP 161 The Truth About Control: A journal, a quote, and the quiet cracking underneath it all.

In this episode, I hit a wall—and I don’t clean it up. I talk about what it feels like to be doing all the “right” things—therapy, journaling, movement, rest, reflection—and still feel like I’m falling apart. I wrestle with the chaos of life, the illusion of control, and that haunting thought: “Is this how it’s always going to be?” Along the way, I reflect on a line from Living Buddha, Living Christ that shifted something in me: “It’s not a matter of faith. It’s a matter of practice.” This isn’t an episode with answers. It’s one with questions. The kind that stay with you long after you stop recording. If you’ve ever felt frustrated by the gap between your effort and your peace—this one’s for you.
As always, I’m not here to give you answers. I’m just here to ask the questions out loud— and maybe help you feel a little less alone in asking yours.
If this resonated with you, please take a second to like, subscribe, rate, or review the show— it helps more than you know, and it helps others find these conversations too.
If you'd like to connect, you can reach out to me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM at the Clemenz With a "Z" instagram page. 
If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 or head over to www.clemenzwithaz.com and buy a sticker or something.
Take care of yourself. Be gentle with what you’re carrying. And I’ll see you in the next one.

EP 160 This Was Supposed To Be The Place #4: Faith, Fear, and the God I Was Taught to Obey Unpacking obedience, manipulation, and the slow work of healing.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I open up about the fear-based faith I was raised in—specifically within the International Churches of Christ (ICOC)—and how it shaped my view of God, love, obedience, and myself. From childhood memories of fearing hell, to moments of spiritual panic, guilt, and manipulation, this episode is a raw unpacking of what happens when fear becomes the foundation of belief.
But this isn’t just about the ICOC. I’m seeing the same fear-based messaging alive and well in churches today—from pulpits to podcasts, just dressed up in nicer language and cooler branding.
I talk about the day everything shifted—the moment I realized it wasn’t God I was afraid of, but people’s version of God. This is an episode about unlearning, about healing, and about daring to believe in a love that doesn’t punish.
Whether you’ve been part of the ICOC, another high-control church, or are just trying to untangle fear from faith, this one is for you.
Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. This one was personal. It was heavy. And it was necessary.
If you’ve ever been made to feel like fear was love… Like obedience was the only way to be seen by God… I just want to say—you’re not alone.
This episode came out of my own story, but I know so many of you have lived through versions of this too. And if you’ve got something to say, if you’ve got a story of fear, faith, and figuring it out— I’d love to hear it.
If you’re a member, former member, or know someone connected to the ICOC or ICC, and you want to share what life was like inside—or outside— please reach out.
Together, we’re still asking the question: “Were we in a cult?” But more than that… we’re doing the work to heal from it.
You can email me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM me on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page.
And hey—if this episode moved you, if it helped you name something, or even made you feel less alone… please rate and review the show. It really does help these conversations reach the people who need them most.
If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524
Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!
 

EP 159 We Were In a Cult? Sachiko's Story

In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z," I sit down with Sachiko to hear her story of life inside—and eventually, outside—the International Churches of Christ. With honesty, warmth, and depth, Sachiko shares what it was like to grow up in a high-control religious environment, the internal battles she faced, and how she began reclaiming her voice after years of being told who she was supposed to be.
This conversation is part of our “We Were in a Cult” series—an ongoing exploration of faith, fear, healing, and the long, complicated process of finding yourself again. Whether you're deconstructing, questioning, or just curious, Sachiko's story is one you won’t want to miss.
Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going.
If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I’d love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page.
As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don’t forget: I’m just a channel, I ain’t the source.
If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524
Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

EP 158: A Skeptic's Heart: Faith, Healing, and the Courage to Keep Searching

What happens when everything you once believed starts to fall apart?
In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I dive into the difference between cynicism and skepticism—and why one keeps you stuck while the other helps you move forward. I share my personal journey through faith deconstruction, religious trauma, and healing, drawing from Richard Rohr’s Wisdom Pattern (Order → Disorder → Reorder) to explore how faith and life aren’t meant to be static. Along the way, I reflect on how my lifelong struggle with ear infections and surgeries became a metaphor for my evolving faith, the risks I took to stay open, and why a growth mindset is essential for healing.
Whether you’ve left a faith system, are questioning what you’ve been taught, or are just trying to figure out what’s next, this episode is about keeping the door open to growth. Because faith isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about having the courage to keep moving.
If this episode resonated with you, or if you’ve been wrestling with your own faith, healing, or the journey from Disorder to Reorder, I’d love to hear your thoughts. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page.
And if you’ve ever felt like you had to stay in something just because that’s what you were taught—whether it’s faith, a belief system, or a way of thinking—I hope you walk away from this episode knowing that you are free to ask, to search, and to knock on new doors.
As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And remember: I’m just a channel, I ain’t the source.
If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524
Until next time—stay open, keep asking, and keep walking. Peace!

EP 157 Why Empathy, and Why compassion? Is Empathy Really Toxic Or Do you Just need an Excuse to Be a Jerk?

Empathy and compassion should be the foundation of faith, right? So why are they suddenly treated like liabilities? In this episode, I break down the growing fear around "toxic empathy" and ask the bigger questions: Why are so many people—especially in religious spaces—acting like caring too much is dangerous? Why does faith seem to be turning into a fortress instead of a bridge? And if following Jesus is supposed to make us more compassionate, more willing to see the humanity in others, why is so much of modern faith rooted in fear and control instead?
We’ll dive into the parable of the Good Samaritan, unpack why Jesus made the most hated person the hero of the story, and ask—if he told this parable today, who would be the Samaritan? Immigrants? The LGBTQIA+ community? People from different faiths? And most importantly, if your faith is making you less willing to love, less willing to connect, and more focused on protecting yourself from the ‘wrong people’—then is it even faith at all? Buckle up for a deep, unfiltered conversation on what it really means to love your neighbor.
If you’ve ever wrestled with questions about faith, about empathy, about what it really means to follow Jesus—I see you. These conversations aren’t always easy, but they matter. And if this episode made you think, challenged you, or maybe even unsettled you a bit, I encourage you to sit with that. Wrestle with it. Ask yourself, Who is the Samaritan today? And what does that mean for me?
If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I’d love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page.
As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don’t forget: I’m just a channel, I ain’t the source.
If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524
Until next time, take care of yourself, stay open, stay connected, and don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions. Peace!

EP 156 This Was Supposed To Be The Place #3: The Devil’s Doorstep, How Purity Culture Controlled Our Thoughts, Bodies, and Relationships

Purity culture wasn’t just a set of rules—it was a full-blown system of fear, shame, and control that dictated everything from dating to what we wore to whether or not we could even think about smashing without disappointing God. In this episode, I take a deep dive into how purity culture shaped my childhood, warped my understanding of relationships, and made me legitimately believe I was going to hell for shucking the corn at 13. From forced confession sessions to the bizarre ways we were taught to see each other as “brothers and sisters in Christ,” this episode unpacks the weird, uncomfortable, and straight-up damaging ways the church tried to keep us "pure."
But this isn't just about the past—purity culture’s grip doesn’t just disappear overnight. Even today, I catch myself fighting against the messages drilled into me as a kid, and I know I’m not the only one. Whether you grew up in this world or you’re just here for the wild ride, this episode breaks down how purity culture ultimately benefits men, how it oversexualizes women, and how we can start to unlearn the shame we were never meant to carry. Buckle up—this one’s a doozy.
Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means everything to me and helps keep these conversations going.
Purity culture left so many of us with shame, guilt, and confusion—but talking about it? That’s how we take our power back.
If you were a part of the ICOC, ICC, or any high-control religious group and purity culture shaped your experience in ways you’re still unpacking, I’d love to hear from you. You’re not alone in this, and together, we can continue exploring the question, ‘We were in a cult?’—and maybe even start to heal from it.
You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page.
And if this episode resonated with you, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories.
And remember: I’m just a channel, I ain’t the source.
If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524
Until next time, take care of yourself, trust your gut, and unlearn the shame you were never meant to carry.  Peace!"